


why we ever

by baekdaelight (21byuns)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, Songwriter!Baekhyun, idol!jongdae, its kind of heavy at first but it gets better, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23851918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/21byuns/pseuds/baekdaelight
Summary: jongdae and baekhyun broke up over a year ago, of course these things never go the right way.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen
Comments: 24
Kudos: 107





	why we ever

**Author's Note:**

> title from [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jC-iHdy41k) | i really suggest listening to this song at least once while you read or before or after, whatever suits you. it’s what inspired this fic ♡

It’s weird, Jongdae thinks, hearing songs written for him, written  _ about him,  _ sung by his label-mate. Of course he knew Baekhyun’s talent wasn’t going to be thrown away. Just because they weren’t together anymore didn’t mean Baekhyun had to stop writing. It was just...off-putting. It hurt. 

Jongdae watches as the other soloist steps off the stage after a few bows and thanks to the fans before he takes a deep breath, readying himself for the blinding lights. 

The kid, a freshly debuted nineteen year old who he can’t remember the name of, bows to him when they cross paths and Jongdae barely manages a few words before he’s being ushered on stage. The crowd roars while his eyes adjust and Jongdae’s heart seems to vibrate in his chest with nerves. His breath catches and he hopes it’s not audible in the mic. It’s probably not. Jongdae can barely hear  _ himself  _ over the screams of the thousands in the stands. The stadium is packed, which is a good sign. He knows many are there to see him as it’s his first performance in over a year. 

Despite rarely checking social media, last night he couldn’t help it and scrolled endlessly through the articles all with his name in the headlines. He had fallen asleep reading a paragraph about his failures and ‘thinly veiled heartbreak’ that caused his hiatus. They were right, as much as he hated to agree. 

The instrumental for his opening song begins in his earpieces before Jongdae can really get a grip on the entire situation and the stage is cast into darkness, a single light illuminating only him and the mic stand. Taking a deep breath, Jongdae calms his nerves and sings. He sings for the fans who waited, he sings for those who hate him, he sings for himself. 

-

“Your set was good. I knew it would be,” Baekhyun murmurs, mouth probably too close to the phone. 

Jongdae doesn’t know why he accepted the call. Why he hasn’t just hung up yet. He answers with a self depreciating huff. 

“I didn’t think you would sing  _ ‘Portrait of You’, _ ” the other man continues on the one sided conversation. “It was nice to hear it after so long. You were always the only person who could give that song the justice it deserves. I wrote it thinking about how you would sing it. Did you know that?”

Again, Jongdae gives no answer besides a noncommittal hum. He should end the call. He can’t bear to hear Baekhyun’s voice even after all this time. 

For a while then it’s silent. He hears Baekhyun’s breathing and he thinks maybe the other has fallen asleep like when they used to video call. Baekhyun always had a terrible habit of calling Jongdae when he was overseas just to hear his voice. Their time zones could be off by hours and yet Baekhyun would call just to have Jongdae lull him to sleep. It was a common occurrence in their line of work considering how much Jongdae traveled. His heart constricts so tightly in his chest that his breaths come in shorter and rougher and that’s when Baekhyun’s voice interrupts the silence. “Please…” his voice wobbles and Jongdae can picture his bottom lip shaking like a leaf in a windstorm. Baekhyun was never good at hiding his emotions. “Please just say something.”

He sighs. “Say what?”

A sharp intake of breath on the other end has his heart breaking. He ignores it. “Anything. I just want to talk to you.”

Jongdae thinks about his words carefully. Weighs his choices. “I have nothing to say to you Baekhyun. Goodnight.” He presses the end call button before the other can get another word out. Jongdae tosses his phone across the room, not caring if it breaks and then rolls over to fall into another fitful sleep. 

-

The entire month is filled with preparations for Jongdae’s comeback. He has interview after interview, jacket shoot after jacket shoot and countless other things that have him constantly running around and traveling. His music video was filmed on the rooftop of a small city in Japan and they spent two weeks there between filming and photo shoots and recording for behind the scenes videos. It was an entirely too dramatic process and more than anything Jongdae was tired. Not just physically. He was having a comeback he truly didn’t...want. 

His company had gotten tired of him doing nothing and he only had a year until his military service requirement so they’d pushed him into recording a full album. Truly he had felt like a burnout, like the company’s prodigy turned failure. At one point in time Jongdae’s face was all over South Korea. On billboards, in restaurants, on beer bottles and newspapers. On everything. The general public loved him. Baekhyun loved him. Everything was okay. Until it wasn’t. Until it was too much and never enough at the same time. 

Then for a year he had slowly fallen from the pedestal everyone had placed him on. Gradually. Ungracefully. Ugly. Under the public eye nothing was private. His life had never been his own. And here he is again, in the same rut. Only this time the public doesn’t put him on a pedestal. Instead they write articles about his tortured soul. Think pieces on his personality. Hate comments on his ‘lack of appreciation for the world around him’. He reads them every night. 

It’s been a month since the company concert, since he spoke to Baekhyun and now his phone buzzes in his pocket on the ride home from the airport. 

Against his better judgement, Jongdae accepts the call, politely asking his manager to put in his headphones for privacy. 

“What?” He questions in lieu of a greeting. He’s exhausted from the flight and missing his bed. 

“Since you’re back, can you meet me for lunch tomorrow?”

Jongdae frowns, leans his head against the window. “Stalking me now? You found out my flight schedule?” 

He’s greeted with silence on the other end. “Is that a no?” Jongdae shakes his head, lips curling at the corners briefly before dropping back down into his now constant frown. 

“There’s nothing to talk about Baekhyun, I told you last time we spoke. What don’t you understand about that?” Jongdae lets out a harsh breath from his nose and massages his temple. Bumps his head against the rain pelted window. 

“ _ I  _ talked. You breathed into the phone. I wouldn’t really call that  _ ‘speaking’ _ ,” Baekhyun answers shortly, voice taking on that little edge it gets when he’s annoyed but trying not to show it. 

“This!” Jongdae squeezes his phone. “This is why we can’t meet and talk because there’s no way either of us can have an actual conversation without arguing.” 

“We wouldn’t have to argue if you just,” he hears Baekhyun take a deep, tense, breath. Then the resigned sigh that follows. “I won’t call anymore if you meet me tomorrow okay? So please, just meet me at my place tomorrow around lunch time.”

It’s then that Jongdae realizes he doesn’t know where Baekhyun’s apartment is. Ever since the Songwriter moved out, Jongdae hadn’t visited. Hadn’t even asked for his address. “Text me the directions. If we start arguing, I’m leaving and I’m blocking your number.”

“Thank you Jongdae.”

“Whatever.” He ends the call -- ignoring his manager's pointed stare -- and glances away to look out the rainy window the entire way back to his apartment. 

After settling back in, showering and eating Jongdae lies in his bed and stares at the little picture on his nightstand that always seems to stare at him every night. It’s just him and Baekhyun. A dumb picture they took together around the first couple of months of knowing each other, cheeks squished together, bright, laughing smiles on their faces. He remembers the day they took it vividly. 

They had gone to the beach to play with Baekhyun’s dog, Mongryong, and splash around in the water since the temperatures were record high that month. The entire day was spent running around, trying to see who could get the other most soaked and worn out until Mongryong had given up and chosen a spot on the sand to watch them from. On their way back to the train station they had stopped in a convenience store for some food and Baekhyun had bought one of those cheap disposable cameras. They shared microwaveable tteokbokki as they walked, feeding it to each other and snapping pictures with the camera. The picture taken after the one he has on his nightstand was their first kiss. Just before pressing down the button, Baekhyun had turned and kissed him. Just as simple as that. Despite everything, Jongdae can never bring himself to put the photo away. It’s a little drop of sunshine in an endless grey ocean of hurt. 

Tonight he stares at it until his eyelids grow heavy and he eventually falls asleep. 

-

After nearly a year of only hearing Baekhyun’s voice or seeing his face on a computer screen, now he sits in front of Jongdae cross legged and hugging a pillow. The only thing different about him is his hair color - black. Baekhyun still wears the same forever pout and Jongdae’s eyes still find themselves drawn to the mole above Baekhyun’s top lip. Always. 

Jongdae can’t recognize half the emotions thrumming under his skin. Being around Baekhyun again is unsettling in a way he can’t decide if it’s good or bad and that terrifies him because they’re not supposed to feel okay with each other anymore. They can’t get comfortable again. Slip into old patterns. 

He sits against the armrest on the opposite end of the couch from Baekhyun and stares at his...ex? His everything and nothing. 

“You wanted to talk?” Jongdae resists the urge to apologize for his harshness when he sees Baekhyun flinch. 

“Yeah, I just wanted to ask about how you’ve been. Be friends, like we were supposed to when we separated.” 

Jongdae frowns. “That’s not  _ talking  _ Baekhyun. I was under the impression there was something important to discuss.”

“Your feelings aren’t important?” Baekhyun questions heatedly, leaning forward a bit and clutching the pillow harder. 

“You know that isn’t what I meant.” Jongdae sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “Baekhyun we can’t be friends again. I have the comeback to focus on. I can’t be confused over all the thoughts in my head about  _ you. _ ”

Baekhyun’s face falls when Jongdae gets up and he reaches out a hand to grasp at his wrist lightly, fingers circling gently around the tiny bones there and his grip soft as ever. Jongdae’s breath catches and he doesn’t pull his hand free. “Baekhyun,” he strains, “Please don’t make this harder than it should. I just...need time still. I need to be alone. I don’t know why I came here in the first place. It’s all too much.”

The other man lets go. His head drops and he hugs the pillow tighter. “Okay,” his voice comes even though Jongdae can’t see his face. “I know you said you need time but will you message me sometime? I just feel better knowing you’re okay. I know how you get when you’re in the middle of promotions and I like checking on you so just,” Baekhyun sucks in a tired breath, “tell me you’re alright from time to time.”

Jongdae cracks. “I can do that.” He tries to smile. He really does but he’s sure it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’ll see you around Baek.”

-

The album drops tomorrow. Jongdae has to be awake at five for a release conference with the company, then three interviews, a live chat with his fans and then his showcase. Currently, Jongdae lies awake an hour to midnight thinking about the past two years and debating on if everything is worth it. 

In the past, for all his comebacks, Baekhyun was there with him the night before. He would calm his nerves. Hold him. Listen to him. Tonight, Baekhyun’s side of the bed is cold and empty. Has been for a while but sometimes Jongdae rolls over in the middle of the night expecting to feel warmth. 

His heart thuds when he goes to the closet, grabs the shirt tucked away in the back. It’s a bit silly really, how long he’s kept this sweatshirt but it still smells like him. Jongdae pulls it close to his chest when he lies back down, inhales as deeply as he can but the smell is gone. It just smells like his closet and he isn’t sure if he’s disappointed or not. 

Before he realizes what he’s doing, Jongdae hears the phone ringing waiting for Baekhyun to pick up. 

“Jongdae?”

Instantly a wave of relief crashes over him and Jongdae feels his body relax, tension draining from his shoulders. “You don’t have caller ID?” He tries to joke and Baekhyun’s breathy laugh on the other end causes his chest to feel like it’s caving in. It’s been so long since he’s heard that chuckle and he can’t help himself. He lets himself have tonight to pretend. 

“I’m just surprised is all,” Baekhyun answers and Jongdae hears shuffling on the other end. Probably the other man settling in. “Your album comes out tomorrow.” 

Jongdae snorts. “Great observational skills.” 

“Wow, this is such a lovely chat. Thank you for your kind words.” Baekhyun replies and Jongdae can practically hear his eyes rolling. “Are you nervous?”

“Of course I’m nervous.” He plays with the sleeves of Baekhyun’s sweatshirt, imagining its owner lying next to him in its place. “It’s my first time without you here.”

Baekhyun makes a noise through the phone like he’s about to say something but holds back. He clears his throat and his voice sounds unsteady when he speaks. “You’ll be okay though. I know you. Everyone is going to love the album. It’s  _ yours _ ,” he pauses. “How could they not love it?”

“I’m not really worried about everyone else loving it.” He’s not. Because the only person whose opinion Jongdae cares about is the one person who he can’t have. Not anymore. But he hopes Baekhyun is listening. All the songs were written by Jongdae this time. And they’re all about one person. 

He hears a muffled noise through the phone and sounds of sniffing and Jongdae remembers Baekhyun’s dog. “Is that Mongryong?”

Baekhyun chuckles. “Yeah, he heard your voice. He misses you, you know.” 

“Your dog misses me? Really Baekhyun?”

“I miss you too.” Baekhyun sounds tired and Jongdae supposes he is. After all this time he hasn’t really given thought to how Baekhyun is doing. Call him self-centered or selfish but Jongdae tried not to think about Baekhyun because if he had, there was no possible way he could’ve stayed away. If he thought about Baekhyun’s pain, he would’ve run right back to him. Repeated the cycle over again. Fallen from that imaginary pedestal again in all its ungraceful glory. He can’t get caught up in it all. Can’t do this to Baekhyun again. 

But he is selfish. And self-centered. 

“I miss you,” he mumbles into the phone, so quiet he’s not even sure if he’s said it. “I wish…” Jongdae is afraid to speak the truth that threatens to fall from his lips, “I wish you were here right now. It’s hard without you.”

“So why aren’t I?”

“You know why Baekhyun,” Jongdae sighs. “But tonight can you just stay on the phone with me? Like how we used to?” 

Silence. A harsh breath. “Alright.”

It’s one in the morning when Jongdae finally falls asleep, listening to Baekhyun’s breathing and his own heartbeat. 

-

The album debuts at number one on Melon much to Jongdae’s surprise and the showcase is more of a celebration since he was informed there of the news. His fans of course go wild and it’s all very overwhelming that when the showcase is over Jongdae hides in the bathroom to calm his nerves. 

His manager is knocking on the door asking if he’s okay and reminding him that they have an after-party at the company that he has to attend. Jongdae tells him he’ll be out in a few more minutes and spends the rest of the time splashing water on his face and trying to slow his heart rate back to normal. 

Jongdae’s phone buzzes and he almost laughs at the timing of it all. He answers while stepping out of the bathroom. 

“You have impeccable timing, has anyone ever told you that?” Jongdae says into the phone, covering his chuckle with his hand. 

“What do you mean?”

Jongdae shakes his head despite Baekhyun being unable to see. “Never mind. Don’t worry about it.” He nods at his manager when he mouths asking if he’s ready to go and they start the trek out of the venue to the car. “Why are you calling?”

He can hear Baekhyun’s pout yet again. “I can’t call just to see how you’re doing?” When Jongdae doesn’t answer, Baekhyun sighs. “The songs on the album…” He trails off, question left unsaid but Jongdae knows what the other wants to say. 

“Yes. I wrote them. You wrote songs about me, it’s only fair I get to do the same right?” 

“It’s just, people are talking. Online,” Baekhyun says. 

“Let them. I’m not going to allow them to control my life anymore. Not like last time. I’m trying something someone told me a while ago.” Jongdae answers and plays with the ends of his sleeves with the hand not holding his phone. 

“Your album did great anyways. Despite the apparent ‘undertones’ according to some people.” There’s noise on the other end and Jongdae hears Baekhyun shuffling around. “I really liked  _ ‘My Dear’.  _ I think it’s my second favorite aside from  _ ‘You Never Know’ _ .”

“Of course that’s your favorite. I wrote it about the first few months of us knowing each other. I knew you would figure it out. I’m not exactly subtle, am I?”

Baekhyun chuckles. “No, that was never your strong suit.” He lets out another breathy laugh, “I’m happy for you Jongdae. I know times like these are hard and it can be a lot but you’ve always been strong. And now you can go have fun, relax at the company party.”

Jongdae narrows his eyes while stepping into the car, “How did you know about the party?”

“Did you forget I’m employed there, thus: also invited?” He hadn’t forgotten but he hadn’t really considered Baekhyun showing up to a party meant for him. 

“I just wasn’t expecting you I guess,” Jongdae mumbles, face burning. His manager glances at him from the driver's seat and he tries his best to hide his flustered expression. 

Baekhyun yelps on his end and Jongdae hears his pained expression and Mongryong’s panting and assumes the dog has tripped Baekhyun like he’s famous for. “Sorry,” Baekhyun’s voice is muffled as he speaks into the receiver, “Mongryong. But I can… stay home if you want me to. If it would make you feel too uncomfortable.”

“No it’s fine,” Jongdae rushes out a bit too quickly and he bites the inside of his cheek. “Don’t hold yourself back from a good time just for my sake.

“You’re going to be there, why would I miss it?”

Jongdae opens his mouth, closes it and makes a disgruntled noise. “Okay.” He isn’t sure how to respond because honestly, he hadn’t been expecting that. “Uh, I’ll see you there then.” He hangs up before he can embarrass himself further. 

His manager coughs not so discreetly and Jongdae side eyes him. “Something you wanted to say?”

“Who was that?” 

Jongdae wonders whether it would be a good idea to give an honest answer considering everything that happened over a year ago and all the pieces his manager had to pick up because of him and Baekhyun. The meltdown he had before the previous album release. The months of Jongdae doing nothing but lie in bed and watch the sun rise and set. All that time his manager had been there for him, bringing food, checking up on him, giving him the only human interaction he could withstand. He protected Jongdae from the public eye and gave all the reporters the answers they wanted to hear. 

“It’s Baekhyun.”

His manager clenches his jaw and remains quiet for a moment and Jongdae can tell he’s thinking of an appropriate response. Eventually he lets out an exasperated sigh, “I just hope you’re being careful about this.”

“I hope so too,” Jongdae replies and glances away so he can’t see the disappointment evident on his manager’s face. 

-

The party is nearly in full swing when Jongdae finally arrives, tailing his manager as they step onto the rooftop. It’s chilly and Jongdae is suddenly glad for his coat. He pulls it tighter and looks around trying to find anyone he can talk to but it’s been a while since he’s done anything like this. Two years ago he would’ve been the center of activity, entertaining everyone around him, drunk off his ass. Two years ago he was the company’s moneymaker, the company’s finest, the representative of the company. Now here he is, leaning against the edge of the railing in the dark corner, nursing a wine cooler that has two sips taken from it. 

One of his juniors from a group he thinks is called ‘EXO’ waves at him, most likely wanting him to join their conversation but Jongdae simply raises his bottle in greeting and remains rooted in his spot. 

A shadow crosses his line of vision and suddenly someone is leaned next to him, elbows back on the metal railing. “Come here often?” Baekhyun’s voice is playful. He’s tipsy. 

Jongdae stares ahead, willing the slight smile on his face to go away. “You could say that,” he answers and takes a sip from his bottle. His heart wages a war with his brain. On one hand, he feels immediately calmed by Baekhyun’s presence - an effect the other has always had on him - on the other hand, his brain is telling him not to fall again. He thinks maybe he can be selfish for another night. Just once more.

He turns his head to look at Baekhyun and immediately regrets it. The fairy lights strung above the building cast a dim glow on Baekhyun’s cheeks despite them being far away. His eyes somehow manage to sparkle in the night, Jongdae thinks it wouldn’t be far off to say they’re brighter than the stars above them. Baekhyun is so devastatingly breathtaking and Jongdae finds it nearly impossible not to react. His breath hitches when Baekhyun faces him making eye contact with a look so intense his heart practically leaps from his chest. He stares at the mole above Baekhyun’s upper lip and the one on his cheek and the one by his eye and his throat goes dry. A lump forms there preventing him from doing more than uttering a small noise and he can’t help himself. Baekhyun has always been the most radiant person to him. 

It’s then that Jongdae realizes Baekhyun had said something and he catches the little smirk on the other’s lips when he realizes he caught Jongdae. “I can repeat that for you,” Baekhyun’s eyebrow raises, “If you want.”

Jongdae can do nothing more than nod, dumbstruck. “I was just asking how you’ve been. You sounded a little upset over the phone and I just wanted to make sure things were okay,” Baekhyun repeats and Jongdae finally regains the ability to speak and act like a functioning human. 

“You know how it is,” Jongdae answers, shrugging. “Sometimes things can be overwhelming.”

Baekhyun nods because he does understand. It was the entire reason they separated. Jongdae’s breakdown the day of his album release, his subsequent depressive episode that he has yet to come out of. The idol life had sunk its claws into him, drained him. Back when Jongdae had been in the spotlight, the center of Korean media with his empowering vocals and quiet but endearing personality, it had all been too much. Every other day he had someone following him home. Someone breaking into his apartment, selling his family’s information, selling his life. Jongdae hadn’t even been living then. Simply existing for  _ ‘the fans’.  _ It wasn’t him - he had realized - he had become someone he couldn’t even recognize in the mirror. On top of it all, he was always away from Baekhyun. The one person who mattered. He deserved better. Someone who he could write his beautiful songs for. Someone who wasn’t gone in different countries every week. Someone who wasn’t Jongdae. 

Baekhyun’s hand bumps into Jongdae’s and he lets the other man link their pinkies together. He swings their hands a little. “I’m here,” Baekhyun tells him, “When things get like that. For you, I’ll always be there.” 

Jongdae lets out a sharp angry laugh and shakes his head. Pulls his hand free from Baekhyun’s and stares at him incredulously, “How can you even say that to me? After all this time, why are you still so unbelievably kind to me. When I’m so undeserving. Why?” 

The other man tilts his head, a pained expression crossing his face before it turns into one of concern. He steps in front of Jongdae, cutting him off from the view of the party. “How can  _ you  _ say that? All you’ve ever done is love me Jongdae. You’re deserving of all the love my heart has to offer in return and even then some. You deserve my heart because it’s only ever been yours to have. Can’t you realize that?” 

He needs to leave. He needs to get away. He can’t- 

“Stop,” Baekhyun commands and Jongdae’s back instinctively straightens out. He freezes. The thoughts of panic in his head dissipate. “Don’t run from me. I’m not something to be scared of. I told you I’d be here for you through everything right? When you told me to leave, I did because if that was what was going to make you happy, I would do it in a heartbeat. Your happiness is my top priority. But even when I was gone, I was always checking up on you. Always writing about you.”

Jongdae’s heart fractures then. Crumbles and falls through his chest and into dust on the ground. He hurt Baekhyun. The one person who would’ve done everything for him, would’ve pulled the stars from the sky for him. And here he was, doing it all over again. “What if the same thing happens? What if I can’t handle all the pressure? What then? Because I can’t be the cause of your heartache anymore. I can’t be the reason behind all your lovesick ballads.” 

“Then you talk to me.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not that simple.

“Why over complicate it? Why make it something more than it is?”

Jongdae frowns.  _ What kind of logic? _ “Because it is Baekhyun. It’s serious. It ruined both of us.”

“I’m still here. If you tell me when you’re overwhelmed, when you’re sad, when you need a break, I’ll understand. You put all of these feelings on yourself, made yourself carry that weight alone. Relationships are about sharing. I tell you when I’m hurting and you do the same in return. Communication. That’s how relationships work. Talking, being honest.”

“Can we have this conversation somewhere else?” Jongdae questions, head hurting. He can’t do this right now. 

Baekhyun frowns, visibly upset at having their talk derailed. His face closes off and he steps away from Jongdae, arms crossed. “Where then?”

Honestly, Jongdae doesn’t want to finish  _ this  _ anywhere. He just wanted to get away from all the confusion and unease that talking with Baekhyun about this brings him. “ _ Our-My _ place. I’ll tell my manager I’m leaving.”

“I’ll drive,” Baekhyun tells him. 

Jongdae runs a hand through his hair and heads into the throng of artists and employees to find his manager. It takes longer than normal because he has to bow every so often and greet people and it’s very redundant. Eventually he finds who he’s looking for. His manager is speaking with a couple producers, visibly drunk. 

“I’m gonna head out,” Jongdae interrupts their laughter and his manager fixes him with a look. 

“Alone?” 

He sucks in a breath at having been caught. “No,” Jongdae answers. His manager narrows his eyes for a moment, flicking them back and forth while he stares at Jongdae and eventually seems to figure out what he wants to say. He waves a dismissive hand through the air. “You’re an adult. Your decisions are your own, I just hope you’re making the right ones and thinking about consequences.”

There’s not much Jongdae can say to that because he isn’t thinking about tomorrow. Isn’t even thinking about what he’s doing right now. Just knows he’s letting his heart win - his brain taking the back seat. “See you tomorrow?” Jongdae asks and his manager shakes his head. “I’m gonna be hungover so that’ll be a no. You have nothing scheduled tomorrow. Goodnight Jongdae.”

“Alright,” he mumbles, obviously having been dismissed when his manager goes back to talking to the others standing around him. 

-

Jongdae’s apartment is dirtier than he remembers and he hastily grabs a few of the clothes thrown on the ground and brings them into his bedroom to put them in the hamper while Baekhyun wanders around. It’s not like the other is seeing anything new, after all, it used to be  _ their  _ apartment. 

When Jongdae pads back into the living room he spots Baekhyun staring at the pictures on the mantle and he freezes. Jongdae hadn’t ever taken them down. Couldn’t. It’s their pictures together. Taken on New Years every year they had known each other. It had been their little tradition to track the passage of time together. He coughs and Baekhyun whirls around, face red at having been caught. “I uh, was wondering if you wanted anything to drink?” Baekhyun raises an eyebrow and now it’s Jongdae’s turn to be flustered. “Not,” he rolls his eyes, “Not alcohol. I meant water, juice, anything else?”

Baekhyun shakes his head, corners of his mouth tilted up in a way that makes him look ridiculously smug. “I’m fine. I just wanted to talk anyway.” 

“Okay,” Jongdae mumbles dumbly, always so entranced just by Baekhyun’s existence. It’s like being on the rooftop all over again except now Jongdae can’t run. He takes a seat on his couch and waits. 

“It’s funny. A couple weeks ago, I had been asking you to just acknowledge my existence, and here we are now,” Baekhyun says as he takes a seat mirroring their seating positions from those weeks ago when Jongdae had gone over to his place. 

“Well, I had a bit to drink so…” Jongdae trails off and picks at his jacket sleeve. 

Baekhyun fixes him with a look, “You had about three sips of a wine cooler. I know you’re not drunk.” Jongdae shrugs in response because he has no answer. He’s been caught. “I know you don’t want to talk about what happened but I think we should. When we separated, you kind of gave me no explanation other than needing space. Of course, I knew what was going on and I knew how you were, so I gave you space but I have a feeling that probably wasn’t the right thing to do,” Baekhyun continues on. 

“No, I did need space. I was hurting you. I wanted to give you space from me,” he explains. “You saw me the day of my album release. You saw all those articles written. Your name thrown around so carelessly. I couldn’t let you be hurt because of me. That whole month, I had done nothing but hole up in the studio and record and then travel for shows. I wasn’t even being a good boyfriend to you.” 

“Why do you think you get to decide what’s good for me?” Baekhyun’s voice takes on a harsh tone that’s normally never there. “I wanted to be there for you on that day. I don’t care about what the public thinks of me. I care about you and your stupidly gentle heart. But you told me to leave, so I did.”

“How could you have possibly wanted to be with someone who could hardly be his own person?”

“Because I knew the you off camera. The Jongdae I fell in love with bought me tteokbokki with his last few yen. The Jongdae I fell in love with messages me while he’s away because he checked the weather in Korea and saw it was thundering and wanted to make sure I wasn’t scared. The Jongdae I fell in love with flew across the world in the middle of a week-long concert schedule to surprise me on my birthday. Not the Jongdae that the twenty-something’s swoon over on the television. I fell in love with  _ my  _ Jongdae.”

The look on Baekhyun’s face is so full of tenderness that Jongdae can’t look. He turns away, trying to find the right words to express all the jumbled thoughts in his head when the couch dips next to him and Baekhyun is there, next to him. A warm hand comes up to cup his jaw, thumb brushing across the apple of his cheek and Jongdae’s heart hiccups in his chest. He’s so, so, so full of love for Baekhyun and he wants so badly to give in. 

Baekhyun’s eyes search his for something and he must find it because in the next moment, his lips are pressed to Jongdae's, achingly soft like he thinks Jongdae might run away. And maybe, maybe if he weren’t so selfish he would. If he knew what was good for him, he would. But he wants this. He presses back with an intensity he didn’t even know he possessed, hand coming up to curl behind Baekhyun’s head and play with the soft little hairs there, his other hand resting on Baekhyun’s hip, thumb brushing against the skin there. 

The other man makes a noise in the back of his throat and Jongdae throws every rational thought out the window. He was an absolute fool. A complete fucking idiot to push Baekhyun -  _ his  _ Baekhyun - away.  _ So stupid.  _ Jongdae presses forward, bringing their lips together again, this time opening his mouth to lick into Baekhyun’s and he swallows the surprised noise the other makes, hand squeezing his hip just a bit more. 

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun breathes in between kisses, repeating his name as he makes his way down the column of Jongdae’s throat with his mouth. He tilts his head back to give Baekhyun more access and holds back his groan when Baekhyun bites down on his collarbone, leaving a mark there. The other always had some fixation on leaving marks. “Jongdae please,” Baekhyun murmurs into his skin just below his collarbone, pushing his collar aside and Jongdae wants to give Baekhyun everything he’s asking for. Never wants to deny him anything again. 

“Okay,” he replies, voice shaking. “Okay.” Jongdae lets himself be picked up, wrapping his legs around Baekhyun’s waist and they stumble into his bedroom, shedding all their pesky clothes as they make their way there, eventually tumbling onto the bed. 

Jongdae’s brain makes one last ditch effort, yelling at him that this is all a bad idea and the past is due to repeat itself but when he opens his eyes to see Baekhyun above him and sees the pure adoration there, he lets go. “I’m sorry,” he says and he doesn’t know why he needs to say it but he does. Baekhyun’s eyebrows tilt, expression softening and he runs his fingers gently through Jongdae’s hair, smoothing it away from his face and presses a kiss to his forehead. “It’s okay. I forgave you a long time ago,” Baekhyun murmurs and presses more feather light kisses all over Jongdae’s face. 

“I love you,” Jongdae tells him because he needs Baekhyun to  _ know.  _ “I never stopped loving you. Please. Please know that. Every day away from you was a little piece of my heart breaking.” 

“I know,” Baekhyun presses into his sternum. “I know,” he repeats above his navel, pressing a kiss there. “I love you too,” he mumbles into Jongdae’s hipbone and leaves a mark there. Jongdae shivers, his body always overly-responsive to Baekhyun even with just words. 

Jongdae repeats those three words over and over as Baekhyun takes him apart and when he comes down, the words blur together while Baekhyun kisses him through it. 

After showering they both lie there, Baekhyun’s side of the bed no longer empty. Jongdae feels...whole again. His head rests on Baekhyun’s bare chest, fingers playing with Baekhyun’s own. “I missed you. The bed never felt the same without you,” he whispers and threads his and Baekhyun’s fingers together. 

“I know how you are. I know. We can do this together this time okay? Don’t leave me in the dark,” Baekhyun replies and presses a kiss to the top of Jongdae’s head. “I am your better half, after all.” Jongdae feels the ever apparent smirk and he squeezes Baekhyun’s hand in weak retaliation. 

“Together,” Jongdae repeats, feeling Baekhyun’s other hand run up and down his back. He glances at the nightstand, at the picture there and smiles before drifting off. 

-

Jongdae stands to the side of the stage before his pre-recording for the awards show, nerves alight when he hears the small crowd of fans allowed in to see. He’s going to have to get used to this all again. His hands clench at his sides, fingers itching to pull at his sleeves when a hand grabs his, lacing their fingers together briefly and he looks up to see Baekhyun next to him. Jongdae’s lips curl at the corners and he squeezes their joined hands. 

This time when the music starts in his earpieces, he sings not just for the crowd or for himself, but for the one person he was always meant to sing for. The person who grins at him from the side of the stage and flashes him a double thumbs up. He sings for Baekhyun. 

-

**Author's Note:**

> this wasnt supposed to be an actual fic bc i was just listening to like...my sad songs playlist and then well this happened, so uh, i hope u enjoyed and if u did, any comments r super appreciated. ill probably cry. + if u did like it u can follow me on twt [@baekdaelight](https://twitter.com/baekdaelight)


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